Here I describe the changes in my body and life after 15 months on hormone repacement therapy. I also talk some about the much more serious topic of electronic harrassment. Here are some informational links. Pantent for neural monitoring https://www.google.com/patents/US6011991 official document declassified by the US Army describing microwave hearing http://stopgangstalking.org/microwave-hearing.pdf.
I’m at 1 year on HRT. Here Is an update on the progress and a some general catching up.
In this update we get slightly political and very real. Then we lighten things up when I show you my body!
120 and then some days on hormone replacement. How i’m coping with emotions and a message for you on my birthday.
Beginning the process of changing my gender marker on legal documents. The stories of the two times that my gender was questioned in public. And a message for you.
This video was recorded at day 50 on hormone replacement therapy.
One only hides parts of themselves. There is not separation from innate qualities. I have received some really good feedback on these videos! Thanks for the love and it feels great to know that you enjoy them, that you are extracting inspiration from them. I truly feel I am fulfilling my purpose here through this. ♥
Manic world. Depressed human. Locks. Chains. Cords. Keys. Strangled. Inhibited. Out of control. Confused. Knowing too much. Not knowing enough. Victim to emotion. Desperate. Depreciate.
What do you seek?
Power = Control
Self knowledge = Freedom
EXPAND into infinity.
This memorial day I saw one of my dreams realized. This project was a vision two years ago. It was even a bit jarring to my nervous system to now be living with the 3D version of this piece. It was born from very intense frustration and some pure fucking rage but something knew we could turn it into love. The overtaking of ego by purest self produced an explosion in my mind, a vision brought me to my knees. A complete reorganization of my mind space happened, my values changed in what seems like an instant. Organizing with people to rant about our concerns did nothing to ease the personal suffering I experienced. Honestly this made me feel more frustrated because all of us together couldn’t change even one person’s oppression. I saw people who have the same things to lose alienate each other over ideological differences. I realized that I had moved into the spaces I had for lessons not longevity. My purpose is to enlighten through love and creativity. I now understand that freedom is an individual choice and so the project is fully understood.
Enough back story now to the art! The original vision revealed the television set exactly as it is with my body chained to it. I was in Boston common, having initially conceptualized a stationary piece. The TV set you see is a part of a performance during which I lug it around sometimes appearing pained and begging for freedom at others appearing mindless and drained but determined to move forward. My goal was to convey the idea of being weighted inhibited harmed and hurt by this apparatus but being willing to die carrying it because on some level I believe I need it. The box represents propaganda and conditioning on the most superficial level but also nationalism, racism, sexism religion and beauty, sexuality or gender standards. I was easily able to put myself back in the raw emotional space from which the project came, maybe helped by the physical pain and stifled blood circulation brought on by the chain. I had some extremely intense moments where I screamed in frustration cried and struggled with the box for my life.
Some offered me help and seemed genuinely concerned. A few immediately understood it as performance art. Some people took pictures and video, some asked questions and wanted to connect with what was happening. Some made jokes some looked away and few even thought I was involved in some horrible game or hazing ritual. I listened to conversations, to what people said to me and answered most of their questions while staying in the performance. From 2pm to 8pm I performed through the streets of down town Providence and Boston. I crossed Boston common, canvased downtown crossing, crossed the common again and visited Newbury St. The second crossing of the common was the true full circle moment. There where people everywhere. I came to a clearing and I saw the event from both past and present perspectives. I collapsed to the ground and the moment I saw so clearly 2 years ago came to pass. I sobbed and struggled to free myself. I screamed at the top of my lungs to release all the energy that had built the moment. I made contact with many people that day and what I will never forget is the looks in their eyes. I perceived deeply buried fear solidarity support and even relief, some expressing these outwardly as well. I expected more pushback than I experienced, finding the overwhelming reaction to be support. Funny thing, when it was time to execute I found myself needing no one’s support and receiving it from everywhere.
This is an act of love even though it was born from war. I do this because I love this planet and because I love humanity. Open minds and free expression are our salvation. I chose to memorialize those who have given there lives in the name of love by speaking truth. ♥♥♥
I’m convinced that modesty is useless conditioning. It is simply a way that empathy is used against humanity. I see no logical reason to not be great and recognize where you are such. I have beat myself to a pulp in attempts to make others comfortable, to present no threat to their personal security. It took much soul searching and grappling my own insecurities to see that this is not part of my purpose. No one’s insecurities/psychological inadequacies are mine to deal with just as mine or anyone else’s are not yours. It is completely irresponsible and self destructive to make one’s self responsible for another’s emotions. This is because only the subject can control or even really understand their emotion. They are in the end the only one who knows how to produce pleasurable feelings in themselves.
The reality regarding insecurity is we all have them even those who you may look up to in some way. The biggest mega stars or supermodels have insecurities because it is the human condition, we all endure struggle. The test is in how we deal with them, how we beat them into submission as this is indeed what is required. In most cases this is the only way to manifest the things we perceive as rewards into our experience. Insecurities allow opportunities for others to manipulate and control us through our emotions. Everyone wants to be happy and comfortable, unchecked most concern themselves primarily with this. Because they are only living their experience they will expect those outside them to attend to their happiness and comfort as well. In some respect humans gauge love by how much another is willing to do this. This conditioning becomes problematic for those who are empathetically talented because this will be taken advantage of. Producing situations where only one set of desires are expected to be considered, the empathetically talented party becomes responsible for coalescing to the other without concern for their own desires.
I believe that usually neither party realizes this is happening when it is, only after being removed from said situation and then only sometimes. The interesting thing for me is how many people I have come across who are veritable vampires, living on manipulation. Most of them don’t even know it, at least not on their most conscious level of thought. They seem to think they are being “good people” whatever that means. That they care for the other party and because they do the party should be responsible for their emotions. The reality is in most cases these people care for what the other can do for them. They care for the feeling of authoritative importance they derive from the subtle oppression they can inflict, how much they can manipulate another’s behavior. They don’t actually care for the person because manipulation wouldn’t be required, the person’s natural presence would make them happy.
Modesty is a detriment because the only way to defend oneself against this kind of attack is to be aware of one’s power, of the things that make you unique and special. This is because the common bases of interpersonal assaults on liberty is forcing you to minimize yourself by making you guilty for not being the way another wants you to. A way they want you to be so that they can be comfortable. So that you don’t highlight for them where they are inadequate to themselves. A red flag tendency to look for is that of underlining your differences from the crowd even if they share them. Some creatures get off on caging things and being in control of their movements. It is deeply imbedded in their psyche that this is where their worth comes from. The easiest way to cage humans is by compartmentalizing and categorizing them because then everything says they should conform to the stereotypes of their category.
I obliterate norms and expectations in the most delicate graceful way but with the efficiency of an assassin. I will never tolerate anyones warped ideas of what I should be. I will not proliferate the gospel of modesty because it is counter productive and teaches people to be or pretend to be insecure for other people’s comfort. If you feel sexy own it. If you feel smart act it. I will not silently watch people minimize their talents and abilities to pacify. We should relish and cultivate pride in what we are, in my opinion it is wrong not to. You were given whatever gifts are yours for a reason and that reason is not to minimze them, in fact I believe we are meant to maximize and utilize all talents. We all have our unique contributions to make and how dare anyone make another feel bad about that. Here is something to think about, bragging and expecting modesty both come from insecurity. Never minimize yourself for anyone’s comfort because to do this is to turn away from your purpose for existence.